| AP News Bulletin: Dirty
Old Man Society (May 31, 1997)
New York (AP) The 15th Annual Meeting Of The Dirty Old Men's Society
closed today with the Society picking "Guiding Light" as their favorite
soap opera and Fiona Hutchison as their 1997/1998 "Pin-Up Girl."
The men ranging in age from 95 to 117 hold a convention every year at
Madison Square Garden. We caught up to current president, Elmer Hopkins,
age 117 at the podium and he told us, "I've seen them all. Lottie Crabtree,
Lillian Russell, Mary Pickford, Jean Harlow, Lana Turner, and let me tell
you Fiona has got them all beat. She has a fullness, why she's built like
a brick s........" At this point Mr. Hopkins was interrupted by Leticia
Crabtree, great, great, great, granddaughter of the above mentioned Lottie.
Ms. Crabtree age 115 and president of the Dirty Old Ladies Society was
at the convention as an observer.
She told us that their convention would be held later this month and
announced that they too had picked "Guiding Light" as their favorite soap,
and their 1997/1998 Hunk of the Year was Grant Aleksander. Ms. Crabtree
said, "Now Fiona is a nice girl, but in the chest department Grant has
her beat hands down!"
The highlight of the convention was Ms. Hutchison's appearance to accept
her award, a golden hearing aid mounted on a platinum cane. She was dressed
quite modestly with a long skirt and peter pan collar. Her husband, John
Viscardi, told us she dressed this way because she didn't want to excite
the men unnecessarily since many of them had heart conditions. After her
eloquent acceptance speech she graciously shook hands with each member
and gave them a peck on the cheek. Fortunately there were only 5 medical
emergencies during this portion of the program.
The men also chose their favorite scene from the show, which turned
out to be where Jenna faced down Jeffrey in her tabby. It was shown repeatedly
at the 5 day convention and the showings were sold out every time. The
favorite line was when Jenna shouted at Jeffrey, "Wrong response!" The
men repeatedly cheered at this line and yelled, "Wimp and Woose" at Jeffrey.
As the convention came to a close, Mr. Hopkins told us, "It is a real
pleasure to be able to attend this convention every year. Come to think
of it at my age it is a real pleasure to be anywhere."
(Written in response to a note on the board which said
that only "dirty old men" liked to watch Jenna in her low cut dresses.)
A New Vanessa Chamberlain
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Picture of a lighthouse with flashing lights accompanied by the Guiding
Light theme.
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Picture of a lighthouse with flashing lights accompanied by the Guiding
Light theme.
A RRD Interview: Retrograde
Amnesia
The following is a transcript of an interview with the eminent medical
expert
Dr. Ludwig Von Duct. The interviewer, of course, is Roseanne
Roseanna Danna, famous journalist and talk show hostess.
RRD : Dr. Von Duct, welcome back to the show. Now what have
you got to tell
us about this new medical ailment known as "Retrograde Amnesia" ?
LVD : Well, let me see if I can remember. You know I had
it once. I stayed out late one night at a medical convention, and
when I got home in the wee hours of the morning my wife gave it to
me.
RRD : Oh, you mean she had it too and you caught it from her ?
LVD : No, not exactly. You see, you can’t catch it, although
with some of the writing going on now on Guiding Light, it makes one wonder
if some of the writers haven’t contracted some sort of amnesia. However
my case was brought on by a frying pan to head. Couldn’t remember
anything, even my own name for days. All I could remember was the
vibration caused by the pan hitting my cranium.
RRD : Well then you know quite a bit about the symptoms, cure
and so forth?
LVD : I should, but you see I really can’t remember much about
it. Except
that frying pan hitting me on the side of my head. If you think
Buzz’s bruise looks bad, imagine the same bruise with a little bit
of bacon and eggs added to give it a more color.
RRD : Well after your wife’s anger cooled, did she try to
help you regain your memory like Jenna is doing so tenderly with Buzz ?
LVD : In a way, yes. I can remember her saying how she should
have listened
to her mother and never married me. And then she brought up our
honeymoon.
She always does that when she gets mad, she brings up that honeymoon.
The
problem with "Retrograde Amnesia", however, is you forget the
things you
should remember and remember the things you want to forget like mother’s-in-law
and honeymoons.
RRD : Well how did you get over it ? How were you cured ?
LVD : I wouldn’t exactly call it a cure. What happened was
my wife got tired of me not remembering anything, so after a few days she
got so exasperated she popped me one on the other side of my head with
a rolling pin and everything came back. My mother-in-law, the
honeymoon, just everything. The rolling pin blow also helped
cosmetically because now I had bumps on both sides of my head and everything
was symmetrical, except, of course, the bacon and egg design on the one
side.
RRD : Are you saying Jenna should pop Buzz on the side of his
head to cure him of "Retrograde Amnesia’ ?
LVD : Well she could do worse. Of course there is always
the danger that this might bring on "Proactive Amnesia".
RRD : "Proactive Amnesia" !! What’s that ?
LVD : That’s when someone conveniently cannot remember what happened
at that party you and your spouse attended the night before. You
know when the
husband says, "I saw you looking at that guy wearing the towel."
And the wife says, "Why darling, I haven’t the slightest idea what
you’re talking about." That’s "Proactive Amnesia". As
far as I can tell it is much more prevalent and commonplace then "Retrograde
Amnesia."
RRD : Well, thank you for all the information Dr. Von Duct.
It’s been very
enlightening.
LVD : Thank you Roseanne. I’m glad I could be of some help
in understanding
this delicate problem. But before I go could you give me a transcript
of the
show. You see, I can’t remember what I just told you.
From Jack who wants to thank Dr. Daystrom for suggesting it.
Ludwig and Leonard
Jul 30, 1998
Ludwig is an old time Guiding Light writer and Leonard is an intern
learning the ropes. At the end of each day they stop off at "Shorty's",
a small, dimly lit, wood paneled bar with plenty of beer on tap.
It's located near the GL studios. Gus is the bartender.
Ludwig: Hey Gus give the kid and I two Amstal's lights, would
ya' please?. Now kid what was your question?
Leonard: Well, I was wondering why we used Selena in those Harley
scenes instead of Jenna. You know Jenna is a former jewel thief
who would have fit into those fake ring scenes perfectly.
Ludwig (sighing) : See kid, there you go again, being logical
and, if I may say, consistent. Sure it would have made sense for
Jenna to be involved in the fake ring caper. It also would have opened
up a host of comedy possibilities with Buzz. He could have come in while
Jenna was preparing the fake diamond with Harley's help. Just think of
the funny dialogue and body language that could have been developed with
Jenna and Harley trying to protect Harley's secret from Buzz, and later
from Phillip. It could have lasted for several episodes. It would
have been great.
Leonard (sipping his Amstal) : Then why didn't we do it?
Ludwig: Kid, did you ever read any Emerson?
Leonard: You mean Ralph Waldo?
Ludwig: Yeah!
Leonard: Sure. I read a lot of his essays in college.
Ludwig: Good. Remember when he said something to the effect
that, "consistency is the hob goblin of little minds."
Leonard: Is that your way of saying we're not consistent.
Ludwig (smiling): You're a quick study, kid. That's exactly
what I'm saying. To do what I'm talking about would have taken some time
and effort on the part of the writing team. What we wrote would have to
be consistent with the characters involved, consistent with their history
and background. We would have had to do some creative stuff to fold Buzz
into the equation and provide the comedy lines and situation. With
Selena it's left handed writing.
She provides the fake ring, she goes to Harley, she gazes fondly at
Phillip's chest, it's all wham bam, thank you mam'm, and it's all over
in two minutes. No effort, a little laugh, and it leaves plenty of time
for the clone story.
Leonard: I take it, then, the clone story is our focus.
Ludwig: No more than President Clinton is Kenneth Starr's focus.
Leonard: Good analogy.
Ludwig: See kid we're not trying to write Romeo and Juliet.
Leonard: Gee, I thought we were with Jesse and Michelle.
Ludwig: I'll let that pass. How about some service over here Gus.
Thank you.. You've got to understand kid that we're just trying to
keep our jobs by keeping the audience interested in our storylines.
Leonard: Well can't we keep them interested by being consistent
with our storylines?
Ludwig (thinking): Yeah, I guess we could, but that would take
a lot more work.
Leonard (sadly): Oh. I see.
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