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Exclusive: It's Number 11 For Asa Buchanan
(Llanview, Pa.) This fair city was shaken to it core today when prominent
citizen Asa Buchanan married for the 11th time. The bride? Well it took
awhile before we found out who she was, since she wore a thick veil throughout
the ceremony. Later in the day your reporter discovered that this veil
had been worn previously by Susan Lucci in the made for TV movie, "Mafia
Princess."
Yes there the mystery bride stood in her beautiful white dress and thick
veil saying nothing. The betting was that it was the former mayor of Llanview,
however we were all stunned to find that blushing bride number 11 was Gabrielle
Medina, who is more famous for her tears than her blushes.
Who could have guessed?
In fact no one had ever seen Ms. Medina with so much clothing on. Her
usual
attire has always been on the skimpy side, and today's full body cover
was
enough to fool even the most observant guest.
Asa beamed down at her with paternal, er I mean, husbandly pride as
special
guest Max Holden was at a loss for words. Gabrielle, sans her long,
trailing
locks of thick hair and sporting a new ultra short haircut, smiled
as the veil was lifted from her face and a guest in the chapel gasped,
"My God, he's married Peter Pan!".
Confusion rained as guests scurried about whispering, and then Max and
Gabrielle's son Al entered the room having aged at twice the rate of
we normal humans. More whispers followed. Al was now a teenager, having
skipped quite a bit of his childhood. But there was no mistaking his parentage,
since his hair exactly matched that of his mothers, even though his acting
ability didn't. The guest who had confused Gabrielle with Peter Pan now
looked at both she and her son and headed directly to the bar.
Later during the festivities we cornered Asa for an exclusive interview:
SB: So how do you like your latest bride?
AB: She's quite a philly! I can't wait to see what she looks like under
that
dress.
SB: Yes, well how does it feel to be married for the 11th time?
AB: Same as the first.
SB: I see. Just who was your first bride, Asa?
AB: Uh, let me see now, there was------
At this point Asa wandered away muttering to himself and counting on
his fingers.
Your reporter then turned and faced the lovely bride who was already
loosening the buttons on her dress and wiggling while smiling coyly at
Mr. Holden.
"Hello Max," she said in a seductive tone as she also loosened his tie
and
unbuttoned his shirt.
Max was still at a loss for words and simply stared.
And so did we as we slowly left the site of this unusual wedding ceremony.
Our last vision was of Gabrielle backing Max into a bank of flowers while
whispering softly into his ear, "Remember that night on the grass in front
of the convent?"
Poor Asa was in a corner of the room taking his shoes off since he had
worked
his way through both hands trying to straighten out the order of his
marriages.
And with this vision we bid Asa and Gabrielle and also Max a fond farewell.
Will the marriage last? Only time and the ratings will tell.
Stay tuned.
New York Times Story:
Dirty Old Men's Society Holds Its Tenth Annual Convention At Madison Square
Garden.
(June 30, 2001)
(New York) The Dirty Old Men's Society held its 10th annual convention
this
past week at Madison Square Garden. President Cosmo Brown, age 110,
consented to talk to us about the organization, its goals and its future.
"We have a pretty good time at these conventions," he said with a smile,
"considering that a lot of us don't have that much time left, relatively
speaking."
We asked him what the highlight of the Convention was. He replied with
a big
laugh that almost caused him to fall down, "Why the election of the
Miss
Dirty Old Man Pin-Up Of The Year, of course."
And who is this year's lucky winner we asked?
"Who else but our perennial winner. The prettiest filly in America today,
Ms.
Fiona Hutchison! You know she's won it every year since we started
having
these shindigs. Yes sir, she seems to be the unanimous choice every
year. And
this year's win has been special to all of our members."
How so?
"Well this year she sort of became one of the family, so to speak. You
know
she married, or at least her character, Gabrielle Medina did, you know,
she
married that older feller, Asa Buchanan on that soap opera, One Life
To Live.
That wedding took us all by storm Why it gave all of us hope, seeing
her
marry that old codger. Why my friend Leroy Pritchard, who's 115, said
to me
the day Gabrielle pulled that veil off and revealed herself at that
there
wedding, why he said, ‘There's hope for us yet Cosmo.
Look at that old coot
she married.'"
So Ms. Hutchison is your perennial favorite, is she?
"Oh yes, we follow her wherever she goes. When Guiding Light dropped
her,
eight of our members suffered from severe depression for ever so long.
And
then when she resurfaced as Celia Frazier on As The World Turns, you
should
have seen those fellas perk up. It was better than a shot of Viagra."
But that appearance was short lived, wasn't it?
"Yeah, I guess it was, but we got to see her in that two piece outfit,
and
boy can she put down the booze. When she was struttin' around in that
outfit
and swingin' that bottle up and down, why four of the fellas had cardiac
arrest right in our clubhouse. Soon as the commercial came on we called
911."
Well, it sounds like you guys really like her.
"Like her! We love her! There ain't a one of us who hasn't added at
least 5
years to his life by watching her. It gives us something to live for.
I mean
did you see it when she shut that air conditioning off in the mansion
and put
on that itty bitty little outfit for Max and drank that lemonade. I
just love
the way she said, ‘Hot!' And my, my, she sure does know
how to eat
strawberries. Why if my wife Ethel, she's 107, ate strawberries like
Gabrielle, I'd keep a carload in the kitchen!"
You would, would you?
"You bet. Well, I hate to end this conversation", he said, "but I got
to get
back to the meeting. It's getting close to two o'clock and One Life
To Live
is coming on. We watch it as a group and some of the fellows are kind
of
fragile, you know, so in addition to watching the show I have to keep
an eye
out for signs of health problems, if you know what I mean."
We said that we did and we wished Cosmo well as we told him that we
would be
around next year to see how the 11th Annual Convention turned out.
He smiled,
waved and then hurried to meeting room, not wanting to miss a minute
of OLTL,
for who knew what kind of fruit Gabrielle would be eating on today's
show.
Walter Winkler, gossip
reporter on Bo & Gabrielle's relationship: Transcript of radio broadcast.
(May 2002)
Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. Let's go
to press.
My first exclusive! Everyone is Llanview PA is abuzz over the relationship
between police commissioner Bo Buchanan and the Argentina bombshell, Gabrielle
Medina. And what do the two principals have to say about it........well,
lets just say that they call it a "special friendship."
Yes, and I just fell off the turnip truck last night!!
My sources tell me they have been living together for the past several
months. Some friendship!!
And what do some of the distinguished citizens of Llanview have to say
about this "special friendship"? Here's a sampling:
Asa Buchanan: "That little polecat,
Gabrielle Medina, is nothing more than a gold digging, snake crawling weasel.
Why she's no better than a, a, well, a soap opera vixen!"
Viki, or is it Niki (who can tell):
"She's a viper. Poor Bo. I need to help him get rid of her. Then Bo and
I can travel to London and listen to Big Ben...oops, I mean the bo bells
of St. Martins in the fields. Eh what!"
Nora ( the former Mrs. Bo Buchanan):
I think it's disgusting. After all he was my husband. And to take in such
an unsavory character as Gabrielle and live right out in the open with
her. Hmmm. Well I have to go now and see Sam, no that's over. Sorry. I
mean Colin. Sorry again, he's dead. I really mean Troy. Yes it's Troy.
You know when you have so many, it's just hard to keep track!"
Rae Cunningham: I would just love
to get them into therapy. Besides the nice piece of change I could pick
up, I think that once I finished with them they wouldn't know if they were
friends or enemies or whatever. They probably wouldn't even know who they
are! Now that's therapy!"
Blair Manning: "She's such a tramp.
I'm glad I've never been involved in anything so sordid."
Todd Manning: "She blackmailed me.
You know, I wish she'd do it again. We had the best time."
We tried to get a comment from Max Holden, but he was locked in his
house and the best we could find out was that he was listening to the song
“Memories” while watching the tape that Asa Buchanan made of him and Gabrielle.
A floozy blonde was outside banging on the front door and yelling, "Let
me in Maximilian."
Finally we caught up with Bo Buchanan himself and he had this to say:
"Well, a, um, uh, we're really just friends. I kinda just got use to
having her around. You know. She's just around. I guess."
Well, that's it from here. We'll keep you informed of any new developments
in this fast breaking story. After all it's been breaking for the past
three months.
This is Walter Winkler sounding thirty. Bye now.
Walter Winkler, ace
radio gossip columnist reports on "The Kiss" (May 2002)
Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. Lets go
to press.
Well, its finally happened!
They kissed!
Who kissed, you ask.
Why the police commissioner and the shady lady from south of the border,
that's who.
Yes Llanview is all agog this weekend as the Argentine missile, Gabrielle
Medina, and the staid police commissioner, Bo Buchanan, played kissie face!
In my last broadcast, I exclusively reported that these two had to be
more than friends, and if that kiss is any indication, the luscious bombshell
from Argentina has certainly loosened up the up tight Buchanan heir.
Listen to what some of the shocked citizens of Llanview have to say
about THE KISS:
Max Holden: What!!!!!!!??????
Roxy Holden: I'm going to send Gabrielle
a big box of sugar covered donuts.
Niki/Viki (or whoever she is): I
must not be much of a planner. None of my plans work. Now the rat poison
in the coffee was a pretty good plan until Bo Bo messed it up. Then the
style editor offer was great until Bo Bo messed that up. You know Bo Bo
is getting to be a pain! Maybe I'm trying to get rid of the wrong
person. Maybe I should be getting rid of Bo Bo!
Blair Manning: I thought Bo was
supposed to be protecting me from Todd, not kissing that slut from the
Pampas. You know Bo is kind of cute and is more my age than Chad.. I wonder..........
Nora: She may be able to deliver
a high powered kiss, but I'll bet she can't dance.
Asa Buchanan: I told you she was
a slithering, she wolf, snake crawling, gold digging hussy. But I have
to admit she can sure plant one on you. Bo looked like he died and went
to cowboy heaven.
Rae Cummings: I've analyzed that
kiss and let me tell you there was nothing platonic going on between those
two sets of lips.
Al Holden: I'm glad mom has decided
to stay away from hedge hogs. Bo is much more presentable. Now if I can
only get Jen to be platonic with me.
Todd Manning: Life isn't worth living
without Gabrielle blackmailing me. I think I'll go to Hawaii.
So there you have it. THE KISS that shocked a nation!
And what do the two principals have to say about THE KISS?
Gabrielle Medina: Ummmmmmm................
Bo Buchanan: Ditto!
What else can I say?
This is Walter Winkle sounding 30 until next time..
Bye now.
Roseanne Roseanna Dana
Show: Bo & Gabrielle
Announcer: Live from New York, it's the Roseanne Roseanna Dana Show.
(Applause) Our guests tonight are the Police Commissioner of Llanview PA,
Bo Buchanan, and his lovely roommate, the wild lady of the Pampas, Gabrielle
Medina. (More applause).
As the applause continues, Bo and Gabrielle cross the stage and take
a seat on the couch next to Roseanne Roseanna Dana's desk. The applause
dies down.
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: Good evening
everyone and welcome to Late Night with Roseanne Roseanna Dana. Our guests
tonight are two of the nicest roommates anyone could want. As my mother
used to say, if it's not one thing, it's another, there's always something.
And with Gabrielle and Bo there's always something. If it isn't Asa, it's
Viki, and if it isn't Viki, it's that red headed bimbo Claire. Somebody
or something is always interrupting you two when you start to get, well,
up close and personal. What do you have to say about that Bo?
Bo: Well, uh, you know, Gabrielle
and I are just friends. You know she's my roommate.
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: Says you.
My goodness that kiss the other day. That didn't look like a kiss between
friends. It looked like.....
Gabrielle: Oh Roseanne Roseanna Dana it WAS just a kiss between friends.
Definitely. As I told Bo, they do it all the time in Europe.
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: Oh yeah!
I've seen that kind of kiss in Europe all right. Mostly in French movies.
Or when Sophia Loren plants one on Cary Grant, or when Gina Lollobrigida
puckers up with Burt Lancaster. What do you have to say to that Bo?
Bo: As I said she's my roommate,
and uh, um, ah, I guess we're just good friends and every once in a while
good friends sort of, you know, kiss.
Gabrielle: Yes, that's it.
Good friends kiss like that all the time. Not to change the subject but
Roseanne Roseanna Dana, did I tell you that I've been chosen to be the
national spokesperson for the Strawberry Growers of America. I guess they
liked me when I was eating all those strawberries in front of Max.
Bo: Uh, why do you always have to
bring up, uh, Max. I thought that was all over between you two.
Gabrielle: It is Bo. I was
just pointing out to Roseanne Roseanna Dana my good fortune in being chosen
Miss Strawberry and Whipped Cream for 2002. And I don't see why the mention
of Max should draw such a response from you. After all you have your life
with that Claire person.
Bo: Hey, I, uh, only had one
blind date with her and you know, the, uh, AC went out and you know.........
Gabrielle: Yes, that was your
story, wasn't it?
Bo: Now wait a minute. I seem to
remember the time when you turned the AC off at Asa's place and you certainly
had on less clothes than I did when you caught me at our apartment.
Gabrielle: Ha! I was trying
to save Asa some money, don't you know. And anyway that's ancient history,
now, isn't it?
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: Never mind!
Lets move on, shall we. This isn't the Judge Judy show. Let me ask you
a question about how you like being roommates and friends instead of the
other thing.
Gabrielle: What other thing?
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: You know.....
Gabrielle: Know what?
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: Well if
it isn't one thing, it's another thing, it's always something. Isn't it?
Gabrielle and Bo together:
Huh?
At this point noise can be heard from backstage and a loud voice booms
out shouting: Take your coyote hands off of me sonny boy. You'd better
find out who you're manhandling. I can buy this whole TV operation and
if you make me mad enough I will and the first thing I'll do is fire you.
Now let me on that stage!
Gabrielle: Asa?
Bo: Pa?
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: See there's
always something and this something is Asa Buchanan!
Asa Buchanan storms across the stage and glares at Gabrielle.
Asa: I thought I told you to stay
away from my boy Bo. If ever I saw a she wolf in sheep's clothing, it's
you Gabrielle Medina!
Gabrielle: Don't be silly
Asa. This is a silk evening gown I'm wearing, not a wool one!
Asa: Well I know one thing for sure,
you're trying to pull the wool over my boys eyes!
Bo: Aw Pa. You're always embarrassing
me. We're on national TV.
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: And let
me point out this isn't the Jerry Springer show either. So act like a gentleman
Mr. Asa Buchanan.
Asa: (looking at Roseanne Roseanna
Dana) Now where did this female snake charmer come from? Nobody in their
right mind would name their offspring Roseanne Roseanna Dana.
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: Well my
mother did and I think it's a nice name. It kind of rhymes.
Asa: Come on Bo! We're leavin' this
big city rodeo and going back home.
Bo: Pa! I'm old enough to
take care of myself. Just leave me alone.
Asa:(glaring at Gabrielle) Not with
this snake in the grass filly. I know what's good for you and this Pampas
Jezebel is not good for you.
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: See what
did I tell you. If it isn't one thing, it's another, there's always something.
Asa: You know lady you make a lot
of sense, even if you have a cockamamy name.
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: Thank you
for the compliment, I think.
Asa: (smiling) You know, you're
kind of cute. Your hair reminds me of the time one of my wives, I've had
eleven you know, had a short circuit in her hair dryer. Her hair stood
up just like yours does. Ah, memories.
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: Oh, Mr.
Buchanan. Do you think I would fit in at the ranch?
Asa: Call me Asa. Sure you
would. I'm always looking for a good ranch hand. In fact lets you and me
blow this pop stand and go someplace cozy.
Roseanne Roseanna Dana: Sounds good
to me.
Asa and Roseanne Roseanna Dana get up and arm and arm leave the stage.
Bo and Gabrielle look at each other. They smile. They stand up and embrace.
Gabrielle winks at the camera and says: Remember we're just friends. They
kiss. Gabrielle, a little out of breath, says: As I said, we're just friends.
And remember everyone, in the world of soap opera, if it isn't one thing,
it's another, there's always something.
The screen fades to black.
(Authored by Jack)
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