Word count: 444 | Completed: Yes | Style: So silly its surreal

(part one)

There was once a very big hat. It was so large that even ten men with overly large heads were lost underneath its gigantic crown. Twenty-three geese lay on its brim, idly dancing to Bulgarian coin music played by a flock of very lost rodents. Harassed by excessive knee poking, the very big hat was in a state of ultimate confusion – it did not understand why the Bulgarian music to which the geese were listening was called “coin music”, and it did not have any knees. Eventually the confusion dripped from the hat like egg drips down a roofing knife, leaving only the bitter swirls of knee-envy. Knee-envy is a terrible thing that usually hits pre-pubescent giraffe who see all the super giraffe with amazingly knobby knees and want them. But the hat wasn’t a giraffe, or indeed an elephant, and its knee envy was as potent as it was uncommon.

(part two)

Such was the length and breadth of the big hat’s knee-envy that an entire convoy of Toyota Corollas petrol tanks could not even begin to contain it.
“It can’t be a breast unless it goes ‘wooo’!” cried the big hat, ravishing the geese upon its brim until they were well and truly orange. Whilst the echoes of its slightly bizarre and highly inappropriate war cry bounced off the domed ceiling of the football-shaped world, the big hat swished off to find some knees.

The problem was that the big hat had lost its contact lenses the previous Friday, accidentally leaving them on the doorstep of an old hedgehog called Ruffle Rudder. Ruffle Rudder was a grumpy freak with no legs, so no-one spoke to him to find out why he had two oddly shaped contact lenses on his doorstep, and why he had no door near the doorstep.

In his state, the big hat made to eat some knees but accidentally ate everything. The end…Or is it?

(part nineteen)

“OH NO!” cried Horatio, desperately shoveling twenty-two kilograms of ghee into his left nostril.
“Oi” said the ghee, who was in fact Nepali Vegetable Ghee.
“PERT!” shouted the big hat, and ate them both in one big flap of its feathery brim.
“Foursouthetic” said the confused tenth reincarnation of Shakespeare before he too was devoured.
“Disco duck!” spat the bookshelf, disgusted at the bloodshed its freakishly evolved retina registered. Turning to the blender, the shelf sharpened one of its corners on the Bible and poked angrily at the big hat.
“Ouch, pouches, poncho.” Explained the hat before eating the shelf too.
“Ooooh,” murmured the shelf in understanding, before it was completely lost within the jealous folds of the huge headwear.

(part seventy three)

There was silence for a while, as the deceptively lanky buns tentatively peeked out from behind their chair raft.
“Is he gone?” asked lemon bun, accidentally treading on glace cherry bun.
“Ouch. I’m not sure,” said glace cherry bun,
“but I’m about to push you off this raft if you don’t move.” This was more than poor lemon bun’s heart could take. Shuddering like a ten foot mobile phone on silent mode, he leapt into the air and began to sing.
“Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh glace cherry, you stole my legs,
I have none left now, no legs or clothes pegs
And with no clothes pegs I cannot wash a thing,
Which is bad, also sad, because I can’t go shopping on Monday.”
“Oh lemon,” murmured glace cherry bun, snuggling into his pastry form.
“I’m sorry. We’ll get through this together.” And they almost did, those two small buns huddling on their raft of plastic chairs. But then came the big hat, which ate them both, and that was that.

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