Word count: 1958 | Completed:Yes | Style: Utter Drivel

There are very few ways that one can achieve a true state of complete rambling and boomboxity without the help of three meters of string and a wobbly dalek. The deluge of old pop stars such as Sting and Bing have deduced another way to achieve the aforementioned state, but they are all on a small boat being circled by sharks on a Tahitian island due to their insults of the television program, Pilot Guides (a.k.a. lonely planet.)

This was all brought about by a chain of mishaps initiated by Tintins dog, named snowy, and the scary scientist guy from the Exel Saga. Wether the scientist guys hair is indeed naturally purple or not is the subject of debate. Debates are often carried out to clarify a point, usually of complete insignificance, in a formal setting. Many people cant be stuffed to go to a formal setting, and this has grown rise to the underground arguments society, where a lot of people group up in cinemas and yell at things.

These things are often rectangular, which brings me to my next point on perspective drawings. Should the rectangles be slightly raised when in the back row, they appear further away then the triangle that would have been in figure one if we had a figure at all, but this is impossible due to high exchange rates. The little counter in the corner of a random television program on an unspecified channel told us, and we all know that these programs employ highly trained Zebras so that, unless contested by a slightly mutinous Giraffe, we know that the words stated are more or less so.

Should it not be so, an army of plasticine cheetahs will inform us of the developments in world wrestling, and hand out emergency figurines of the wrestlers, which can be commonly found in Toys r Us next to the transformers section. Unlike common transformers, this breed to not conduct electricity and instead offer a simple fluid link for cheese. These are very handy if your TARDIS happens to be made out of cheese, which if you were a cheese lord would seem perfectly normal.

It is widely acknowledged that some computer mice do indeed use cheese TARDIS, in this case in the plural such as mouses or mice or mices of talking moose. Taxidermists are looking under tea cosies at this minute for talking moose so that they can tell the etymologists about the correct grammatical tense of the plural of computer monitors. The scroll bars on a mooses computer are always horizontal, should the moose talk to the scrollbar then it will make no difference, so dont bother looking at a scroll bar that the moose has used to determine if it is talking or not.

Should you see a moose on a DVD speaking in French, it is most probably dubbed, so it does not offer proof that the moose is indeed talking. Should it be speaking in German, the same will of course apply unless something sounding like Squigligengoblitz is mentioned, which means that you have had far too much Panadol in the past three days. If you have, there are no excuses as it is there on the packet for all to see that you shouldnt have that much unless your legs are stuck in a Venus fly trap allergic to bananas.

The category mentioning squid and artists hats has since been eradicated due to a legal loophole, and will not, in most instances, apply. Should you live in a council flat by a swamp with three co-dependant crocodiles, this will be the only way you can turn the legal loop hole into a bowtie and go to the ball that is to happen in three days. It is a bowtie only ball, and so anyone without a bowtie will be flogged soundly, exterminated by three daleks and left for half the ravens.

The other half will not be interested in your floggedness as they will be quietly sitting at their Imacs writing their next obituary for DWM journalists killed in the same vat of caramel fudge. At 23:90 24 hour time you will be added to someones history book should you attend this bowtie ball, which will look very good on both your resume and toilet door.

As many visitors will be rather bored on your toilet due to lack of 3d entertainment systems (unless you live in China) they will be glad to see something interesting other then spoons. The expression spooning was thought of because of someone seeing something interesting on a toilet door after three hours of drinking a raspberry flavoured cordial of dubious origin, so one of your guest will one day be returning to your house celebrities of language.

Celebrities of this sort are notorious for having beards and shedding, so should you attend any function with them, be sure to suggest that they become journalists so that they may fall into the vat of caramel fudge. This will keep several birds in work, which will be very good for the overall economy of your region and prevent inflation, which will increase sunlight reaching your house through the blimp layer.

Many are ignorant of the fact that clouds are just blimps in clever disguises, sent to let the sun have a rest and a cup of tea with bubble wrap delegations from the planet Zarg. Should the sun not do this, we would all find ourselves waist-deep in Zarg young and rolling about like semi-ripe peaches, just like poor Henry the eighth. Many details and stories such as the royal lines problems with peaches have been eaten from historical documents by overzealous scribes who thought that theyd be the first to invent a functional ink eraser.

These scribes are now obsolete due to the invention of computers, which could be seen as a useful thing as we have discovered a floppy disk under some filing cabinets at the BBC that give reference to Anne Boleyns direct disagreement with Felix the cat (the wonderful wonderful cat). Overjoyed at this finding, many Quantas flight attendants shed their arms with glee and thus Londons ARG WHY THE HELL DID SOMEONES LEFT ARM JUST LAND IN MY BEER day was born.

It is very interesting that some days can indeed be born. Several species tend to hatch from footrests that had been impregnated by excited wood nymphs that were hiding from death. This can only occur if the seasons elephants land on their various dining surfaces. Very few people actually know this, but falling elephants land on coffee tables more then you think. Or anyone thinks really, because we are very silly creatures that dont use enough of our negligible minds.

This brings me to the story of Pie the Vole, the edited version for children, the offensive words being ibg ed Pie the vole was a very happy little critter that liked to critter about in a crittering manner in the wonderful land of Muntmunt. He was always very good, and did not anger anyone by creeping abominably in an abominable manner or carrying uneven loads (which would make him abominable until sunset). He very much liked to wear multiple hats, which he found was very good for his hairs gentle growth.

He found that when he did this many people believed that he resembled a well-known Shaun Micallef publicity picture. It was only when he was fifteen that a talent scout spotted him and thought that he could start up his own television show: When Voles In Hats Look Like Shaun Micallef. It was very successful and ran for a full three seasons before he put on one hat too many and got crushed into a small cube.

So now Pie had to get used to living his life as a cube, which he was not very well used to. He finally got a government grant, and managed to turn being a cube into an artform. Soon voles all over the country were wearing too many hats at once on purpose so they too could be a cube. Soon there a lot of cubes in Muntmunt, so many in fact that Muntmunt began to look more like a cube then a Muntmunt shape.

Muntmunt did not like being a cube, so it onkbfg;kb and ibf;kbjg;kjgb till I;bgk;bg and olhnfg;klng;nb went ;ohe;nr;ghb. . And so Muntmunt became less like a cube and more like Muntmunt. Pie discovered that if he wore three pairs of socks he could become a vole again, but it is very hard to put socks on a cube so it was only on his 50th birthday he became less cube like. Unfortunately he had only put on two pairs and became a very square vole.

He won many awards in country shows, usually in the rectangular animals sections, until one day someone stepped on him and flattened him. He then began to also win in the flattened animals section, and in his later life branched out into the oragami animal section.

Finally he got to old for all of this and just won the vole with the most shapes section and all was well. All except the lonely ginger tea, which wanted a friend but was never tangy enough.

Sadly Pie died on his 70th birthday, after having accidentally eaten all the lit candles on his cake and spontaneously combusting. His famous last words were: MeepMeep

The above biographical type thing shows that most biographers are in a pickle. Biographer Pickles have become a rarity as there are less and less people to biograph, a process involving string. Should you wish to purchase a Biographer Pickle, you may need to find a form of currency that will not vomit on your pants.

There are many important businessmen who do not want vomit on their pants, this being a good thing as very few sell Biographer Pickles to receive the nauseous payment in the first place. This creates a paradox called Bob, who quite often indulges in a friendly game of lawn bowls, usually with the Faction Paradox on Gallifrey.

This is a game that, unfortunately, is beyond the scope of the abilities of the common Giraffe. But, had Davros got to the Girfaffe before it reached puberty, he could have turned it into the evil Effafeig, a species bent on bending. Believe it or not, Davros was very displeased with the Daleks because they couldnt bend. He captured the Doctor and soon had a race of very bendy Daleks and another race of psychopathic elastic bands.

This race was soon overrun however when the Movellans discovered the many uses of whiteout. Distressed at the sudden outburst of stationary in the time/space continuum, the time lords sent the Master with a handy-dandy school started pack to clean it all up. The Master did so for a small while, but then remembered that he wasnt going to get anything good out of it and deviously wrote his name on all of the toilet walls on Skaro.

The local cleaner Daleks didnt like this and soon theyd executed the Master. He was stuck in a casket and given to the Penguin like seventh regeneration of Doctor Who, and all the humans made a corny movie about it and what followed. This movie was novelised, if a little inaccurately, by a little known Marmot icon. This Marmot was very proud of its iconness, and was made in photoshop.

The photoshop program used to make the Marmot icon was only utalised when, on the seventh attempt, Internet Explorer finally turned itself into a reliable model of an estrogen molecule and eloped with a cup of coffee to a little known town in Barbados, where it met John Howard.

For each and every type of cheese known and loved in the Swiss cheese market, there are ten types of bowling alley rotting in His attic. For every toadstool timidly peeking its fungusy head above the fetid soil of the road from Grafton to Rangoon, there are ten undernourished bats in His hat. Each and every anguished cry from a stepped upon piece of plankton’s eyeball multiplied tenfold would describe the amount of dust particles in His nose that spells His name. He is the one and only son of Pinklebottom (and co.), destined to wobble this earth until all the sheets in all the schoolbooks fall into the sky and form an enormous replica of the glass pyramid in the louvre, only with twice the mass. For He is Pinklebottom junior, John Howard.

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Original ideas etc. are MINE, but unoriginal things are used for fun and not for profit and belong to various people.