Word count: 574 | Completed:Yes | Style: Confusing | Fandom: Black Books

“Where’s my taang?” Bernard slurred, throwing his empty wine bottle at Manny. “What thing?” Manny asked, looking up from packing some books away and narrowly avoiding the bottle.
“I have to clean that up now!” He frowned at the broken glass near his foot. “If ya hadn’t ‘a ducked, it wouldnvvv gone broken. Ss your own fault. Whatrya doin anyway?” Bernard stretched for the nearby whisky bottle.
“Work that you seem to be expert at avoiding,”
“I knew an expert once. Could sniff out a piece of ham from ten miles away. ‘Ruddy brilliant bloke… Where’d it go?”
“Where did what go?” Manny had already swept up the glass and was casting about for a bin.
“My taang, you know, that taang I had. ‘Twas a nice taang-” He was interrupted by Fran bursting through the door and launching herself into the seat near Manny. She then screamed (Bernard blocked out the sound with two empty winebottles) and launched herself out of it again.
“Sorry, I couldn’t find a bin.” Manny apologized, trying to both not look at her bottom but see how bad the cuts were.
“Typical! And I had news too.”
“I WANT MY TAANG!” Bernard threw his other bottle at Manny, but missed and hit Fran, who promptly collapsed onto the carpet. Manny dropped several books on his toe with shock, and began to hop around yelling like an elk.
“AAAAAA!” Bernard yelled, swiping his hands wildly in the air.
“Do I have to find everything myself?!” So he grabbed the whisky and stormed off through the curtains, wine bottles still hanging out his ears.
Timidly two schoolgirls entered the shop, looking about expectantly. Manny promptly tripped over Fran and crashed into one, sending them both flying into the nearest shelf. The other didn’t notice as her back was turned and walked up to Bernard’s new and improved (that morning by Manny) desk and rang the bell.
“WHAAT!? DO YOU HAVE MY TAANG?” Bernard burst out from behind the curtains, whisky bottle in one hand and wine bottle obstinately bobbing out one ear. “Err-” the Schoolgirl began, edging away.
“YOU DO HAVE MY TAANG!!” Bernard yelled at her, leaping over the desk and shedding post-alcahol holding bottles.
“I WANT MY TAANG!” She jumped back to avoid his wildly grabbing hands and foot, and fell over Manny and her friend who were stuck under a pile of heavy books.
“AARG!” Bernard yelled, taking a swig of whisky before leaping at the three people amongst the books.
“I WANT MY TAANG BACK!” Fran groaned and sat up.
“Wha..?” She stared in horror at the seething pile of books, scared schoolgirls, confused Manny and shouting Bernard.
“GET OFF THEM NOW!” She yelled, trying to grab Bernard’s arm and pull him away.
“MY TAANG!!” He screamed, spilling whisky all over the books near him. And then for no apparent reason the bookshop blew up and everyone died.
“Shiet…” Bernard stirred, one cigarette falling from his mouth whilst another decided to stay up his nose.
“What a bloody shiety dream…” and with great effort he opened his eyes.
“Where’d my taang go anyway? MANNY?”
“What?” Asked Manny.
“Haven’t you been listening?!”
“ I have, it’s just that an awful cliché in the plot distracted me. This was a lot better when you wrote it.”
“Ah, bloody upstarts writing fanfiction and hugging little trees and loving doorknobs. Have ya seen it though?”
“Seen what?”
“MY BLOODY TAANG!!!”

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Original ideas etc. are MINE, but unoriginal things are used for fun and not for profit and belong to various people.